Nursery Alone
“Merry Christmas to me. Ho ho ho.”
With a trash bag full of perfectly wrapped presents slung over his shoulder, Nick was certainly no saint. It wasn’t his fault that so many families decided to travel on Christmas Eve, leaving a houseful of goodies completely unattended. Tossing the bag into the back of his van, he quickly hopped in the driver seat and sped off into the night toward his next big score.
“Alright, 117 Sycamore Street, you’re off the list,” said Nick, biting the cap of a sharpie and crossing a line through the second to last house on his list. Having only one house to go, he was foaming at the mouth to get home as soon as possible. After all, with so many presents, he was ready to have the best Christmas morning ever.
Parking a little over a block away, Nick was cautious to make sure that his car was never seen near the scene of the crime. As much as he resented the extended walk through the brisk night air, it was a necessary evil. Running through the backyards of several houses, he finally arrived at his destination.
1387 Chestnut Drive. This was the house that he was perhaps the most excited about. It was an old Victorian house that had been preserved to the point where it looked damn near brand new. Anyone with enough money to blow on a vanity project had to be loaded. Sprinting to the side of the house, he made sure the coast was clear before launching into step one of his plan: breaking in undetected. After casing the neighborhood for several weeks, he knew no one was home but it never hurt to be cautious.
Looking up at the side of the house, Nick spotted the perfect entry point. There was a double window half a story up from the driveway with only a simple wedge lock keeping it close. One quick swipe of his pocket knife and he’d have that lock open easily. Stepping up onto a nearby trash can, he brandished his knife, ready to bust that lock wide open.
CRASH!!
Suddenly, the lid of the trash can broke out from under his feet, sending him straight down into the half-full canister. In his panic to escape, the trash can tipped over onto its side, causing the incredibly squishy contents of the garbage pail to spill all over him. Crawling out of the trash, he was finally able to see what had made for such a mushy landing. Dozens of yellow and brown diapers, all perfectly wrapped up to hold the messy loads inside.
Nick nearly gagged as he brushed away any of the dirty diapers that clung to him. To his dismay, while he’d avoided getting any major stains on his clothes, his shoes were utterly destroyed thanks to the urine-filled diapers that he’d unwittingly squashed. Quickly, he picked up the diapers that had fallen out, holding his breath the entire time, and pushed the trashcan back into place, hoping to recover from this minor annoyance.
The soles of Nick’s shoes squelched with every step as he rounded the back of the house searching for another way in. Luckily, he found his solution in the form of a thin basement that lined the ground. Sliding off his dampened shoes, he pushed the window open as wide as it would go and crawled in head first.
SNAG
However, as Nick pulled his stomach through, he found that his black jeans had gotten caught on a sharp piece of bent metal, leaving him caught between a rock and a hard place. Groaning, he reached back and unbuckled his pants, falling forward as he slid out of his trousers.
Mercifully, Nick’s landing was a soft one as he fell onto a plush mattress. He quickly stood up, hoping to retrieve his pants, only to discover that they were torn and covered in melted snow and mud. Wearing them inside at this point would leave more evidence of his presence, forcing him to leave them behind with his shoes. “Guess that makes me the underwear burglar,” he said under his breath, chuckling at how ridiculous his misfortune was.
Looking around the basement, Nick was shocked to find himself standing in a crib in the middle of a baby nursery. From his research, the owners of this place didn’t have any kids. Maybe they were expecting? But then how would that explain the used diapers? Pushing his curious thoughts aside, he decided not to care and press onward.
Climbing up onto the side of the crib, Nick found that it was surprisingly taller than he would’ve guessed, requiring a bit of extra effort. As he straddled the top white bar, he let out a sigh. With as much trouble as this house was giving him, it had better be worth it.
creeeeeeeak
CRASH!!
In the few seconds that Nick had been perched on the crib bars, his weight had managed to snap the thin, wooden block that kept the bars in place, forcing them downward abruptly. He toppled to the ground, landing hard on his back and forcing the air out of his lungs. “Ooh, my hip,” he moaned, recoiling in pain.
As Nick recovered on the floor, an interesting development was happening just above his head. The shaking that had been brought on by his sudden fall had caused the neighboring dresser to rattle as well. Stationed on the edge of the dresser was a bright pink pacifier, which wobbled back and forth for a few seconds before tipping off the side and falling directly into Nick’s open mouth.
“MMMMMF!” shouted Nick from behind the large, rubber nipple that gravity had shoved between his lips. He instantly spit the binky out before wiping his mouth off on his sleeve, leaving behind an odd aftertaste of artificial strawberries. “Fucking nasty. Anything else wanna go wrong tonight?” He got to his feet, his anger steadily rising with each misfortune.
However, before Nick could put the binky nonsense behind him, his mouth began to tingle in the strangest way. Spotting where the pacifier had previously been positioned, he noticed a bottle of clear liquid sitting next to it with a label that read, “CrissBaby Paci Lovers Gel. Strawberry Flavored.” It didn’t take a genius to figure out what that meant.
Nick may not have been one of those weird diaper lovers he’d seen popping up in the news but he knew enough about the CrissBaby Diaper Company to know how dangerous their products could be. Case and point, the reaction that was currently happening between his ringing teeth. With each second that passed, the craving to suck on something, anything grew stronger. In a desperate attempt to stem the oral buzzing, he dropped to his knees and shoved the pacifier back into his mouth. The relief he felt was massive, at least until the realization of his actions kicked in.
Letting out a painfully long breath of air through his nose, Nick glared at the bottle of pacifier gel that had brought on this oral fixation. This was no longer just some random house anymore. This was personal. With the paci between his lips, he got back to his feet, ready to rob this place blind.
Moving toward the staircase, Nick made his way upstairs where he expected a vast array of presents to be waiting for him. However, as he planted his foot on the second step, he made contact with a doll that had been left out of the toy box, causing him to twist his ankle and fall backward. As he fell, his long-sleeve black shirt caught on the edge of the railing, ripping it off of his body in one swift motion.
“AGGGGHHHHH!!!” Nick screamed, forgetting where he was for a brief moment as he mourned over his aching ankle. Hobbling to his feet, he moved to retrieve his shirt only to find it more shredded than his pants were. The torso was torn through completely, rendering it useless.
Now only in his underwear, Nick knew he couldn’t expect to carry out the rest of the robbery completely nude. He needed to find a set of clothes to change into and pronto. Side-stepping the stupid doll, he bolted upstairs, slamming the door to the nursery basement behind him.
As he searched for a bedroom, Nick passed through the living room, where he was reminded of why he was here in the first place. Mountains of presents stacked taller than him were scattered around a grand Christmas tree. His mouth watered at the prospect of pilfering so many carefully wrapped gifts, specifically the massive one that was as large as a motorcycle. While he wasn’t certain it could fit in the van, he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to try.
Putting aside his material wants, Nick knew that sunrise was only an hour or so away. There was no time to waste. Moving to the second floor, he managed to find what had to be the master bedroom and went straight for the walk-in closet. To his dismay, all he found in the closet were women’s clothes, petite women’s clothes at that. Well…almost all of the clothes, at least.
Hung up in the back corner of the closet was a small selection of girly adult baby clothes that were perfectly his size. Initially, Nick pushed the idea of wearing something so ridiculous out of his mind. However, the moment he felt a cool breeze send a chill down his spine, he knew he couldn’t make it back to the van in just his undies. Quickly sifting through the collection, he winced as he picked out what he deemed to be the least babyish and least girly: a powder blue fleece onesie with long sleeves.
Pulling the onesie up his legs, Nick hated how nice the warm, soft fleece felt on his frigid, bare legs. Yanking the onesie up to his thighs, he quickly slipped his arms into the fuzzy sleeves and zipped up the back, sealing himself inside. However, as soon as he took one step in the gaudy outfit, he knew something was off. Lo and behold, there was a cloth waddle spreader that had sneakily been sewn inside the seat of the onesie, forcing his legs apart as if he were wearing an actual diaper. With more time and more marbles, he would’ve put something else on. But seeing how the night was progressing, he just didn’t care anymore. “Are you happy? I’m a baby now,” he said mockingly to the heavens as he looked down at his pathetic attire.
Returning to the living room, Nick marched right up to the ginormous present he’d set his sights on earlier. As humiliating as this final house had been, it was all going to be worth it. Crouching down, he placed his arms around the giant gift and tried to lift it, discovering that it was much too heavy to move. “Oh no, you don’t!” he said, influenced by his own sunk-cost fallacy. Putting his back into it, he gave one last attempt at moving the centerpiece present.
“WOOOOOAH!”
RIIIIIIIIIIIP!
Accidentally using a little too much strength, the paper wrapping shredded as Nick pulled upward, causing him to fall back on his padded rump. “Owwie…c’mon,” he grumbled, rubbing his sore hiney. Shaking off the minor fall, he turned his attention back to the task at hand, only for his jaw to drop upon discovering what the massive present really was.
“The CrissBaby Walker Pro?” said Nick, balling up his fists as his rage hit a boiling point. Shrouded in tattered wrapping paper was a first-of-its-kind, adult baby walker, brought to you by the CrissBaby Diaper Company. For those in the ABDL community, it was the hottest ticket item of the holiday season. For Nick, though, it was a shrine to how horribly this final caper had gone.
Moving to the other presents, Nick tore into several of them, finding that all of them were filled with adult baby crap. “Oh, for fuck sake!” he yelled in a blind fury. After everything he’d been through to get to this point, to realize it had all been for nothing was the last straw. He kicked a large stack of presents like a spoiled child, sending them flying across the room before proceeding to demolish as much of the festive decor as possible.
Stepping up to the Walker Pro one last time, Nick attempted to flip the machine onto its side, hoping to damage it to the point of breaking. Unfortunately, the device was still too heavy for him to lift, resulting in an embarrassing display of failed bravado. As a last resort, he swung his leg at one of the metal legs, hurting his ankle again in the process.
“WALKER PRO ONLINE. PLEASE HOLD STILL WHILE THE ROOM IS SCANNED.”
A robotic voice echoed out from the mechanical device, causing Nick’s heart to drop. “Oh no,” he mumbled, knowing deep within his soul that this could not end well.
“SCANNING COMPLETE. INFANTS DETECTED: 1. STATUS: TANTRUM. ACTIVATING TIMEOUT PROTOCOL.”
Before Nick had time to react, a set of robotic arms sprouted out from the sides of the Walker Pro, tearing away the last of the wrapping paper in the process. The arms quickly locked onto Nick’s position and converged on him, snatching him off of his feet with ease. “Lemme go, you stupid machine! I’m not a real baby!” he screamed to no avail.
The Walker Pro plopped Nick inside its springy basket, forcing him up onto his tippy-toes as he bobbed up and down. He grabbed onto the edging, hoping to hoist himself out immediately. Sadly, the arms of the Walker Pro were ready for that, latching onto his wrists and nudging him back into his seat.
“TIMEOUT PROTOCOL INITIATED. AWAITING PARENTAL COMMAND.”
Stuck within the Walker Pro’s steely clutches, Nick was helpless to do anything more than suck on his pacifier and wait for whoever owned this house to return home. Folding his arms across his chest in a huff, he felt his stomach start to gurgle in an ominous way, reminding him of the bean burrito he’d eaten a few houses back. Hopefully, whoever owned this place showed up before he turned the fake diaper he was wearing into a real one. “Merry Christmas to me…ho ho ho…”
THE END.